Just be yourself
How’s this for a new moon/new year resolution? Let go of your defenses and allow others to truly see and hear you.
Ya know, that simple, not-scary-at-all thing … being vulnerable?
And, by the way, have strong enough boundaries that how others respond to “the real you” doesn’t have any sway or power over you.
Vulnerability is described in Merriam Webster’s dictionary as “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.” It seems clear then why people, like myself, would want to avoid this state of being.
The ole’ just be yourself advice, whose code I could never crack when I was feeling anxious, comes to mind.
I’ve been working on this vulnerability thing for a long time. In certain situations, I have broken through and enjoyed the fruits of the work and progress and yet, in other scenarios I return to an older, frightened and frozen version of myself. Perhaps there are certain themes we work on for an entire lifetime.
I know how important vulnerability is for genuine relationships and a fulfilling life, and that without it life may not progress in the way I would like and, worse yet, I may feel eternally stuck and, yet, there is often a missing step or link between my desire to do something and actually doing it.
I have read some excellent essays about the importance of vulnerability that resonate deeply with me and I also know that I cannot simply turn a switch and change. Not that these writings suggest that, but it can be hard to know where to start with big concepts like vulnerability; we may read something that clicks and earnestly want to develop a trait or make a change, but how we actually do that is in what feels like an unknown realm, like the planet Camazotz from my favorite childhood novel. Often, and sadly, the essays that spark something in me get buried in my pile of things I intend to come back and never do.
Do not underestimate the power of the mind/body connection
The good news: these big ideas can start, very simply, in the body. You don’t, necessarily, need to think about them; in fact, it is generally more helpful to start by turning off the mind (to the best of your ability) and feeling them. Kinesthetic learner that I am, I often need to experience something first in order to fully understand (embody) it. But even if you do not learn primarily through “doing,” as I do, do not underestimate the power of the mind/body connection.
Screenshot
We need the integration of mind and body to thrive. You may understand a concept in the rational or logical sense, and you could analyze the “you know what” out of it, but it doesn’t mean you truly know or understand that thing. Take the moon. I love writing whimsical essays about the current astrological moon sign and phase and how that “energy” may be affecting us here on earth; if you believe in the wisdom of the moon you, too, may glean insight from my essays. But writing and reading about the moon and actually connecting with her are two very different things. Recently, I headed out for a late afternoon trail walk and on my way back, the bright lady lit up the now dark sky and was my guide for the remainder of the journey home. I paused, cold but happy, and locked gazes with Luna in her “full” phase. My entire being felt the presence of the full moon and was filled with an inspiration and gratitude I could never attain from simply analyzing her. It felt magical.
The mind-based and experiential selves are intrinsically connected but they are not the same. As Anodea Judith puts it, in my favorite book that blends Eastern Philosophy with Western Psychology, to “lose our connection with the body is to become spiritually homeless.” My own father was actually homeless for the latter part of his declining life, and so this line strikes a very deep chord with me for multiple reasons. I know in every cell of my being that when we become disconnected from our bodies and, thus, our emotions, we are no longer fully living; we become like empty shells of ourselves, which is referred to as the Freeze State in Psychology.
So, how do we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, to feel and share raw emotion, to show our true selves, and risk being wounded, as the definition suggests?
A Firm Foundation, Memories, and the Language of the Body
A firm foundation comes first.
Whatever is touching the ground in a yoga posture is considered the foundation (or during any type of physical practice, or even during daily tasks). We build a strong foundation by first feeling and, then, engaging the parts of the body that are making contact with the ground under us.
For example, in Cat/Cow, you set yourself up in Table Pose with knees under hips (not splayed) and wrists in line with (or a little forward of) shoulders. You spread your hands and lengthen your fingers to ensure the weight is balanced and that you are not sinking into your wrists or placing all the weight more on one side of the hand. You engage the muscles of your arms and as you press into your hands and rebound up through the arms, allowing the shoulders to move away from the ears. You feel your feet and spread your toes. For me, these simple steps of creating a firm and balanced foundation changes the entire pose, and experience. Setting yourself up well in each posture, building your foundation, from the ground up, and most importantly, feeling each step and breath, as you do, can be the key to change. We create a solid foundation to feel secure and steady (on and off the yoga mat).
The more I practice building a strong foundation in my yoga poses with healthy and well-balanced alignment, the more self-assured I feel in my life. That’s the beauty of yoga, for me; I can do it – practice it – on the yoga mat, first, and then introduce and integrate the trait or skill (or whatever it is) into my life – it’s all about that mind/body connection.
We all have tendencies and personality traits that send us too far in one direction, or not far enough in another direction. If we force an area of the body to open without first developing our connection to the ground, it may feel jarring or overwhelming. Opening in the heart before we are ready comes to mind.
A painful childhood memory: I was around 5 or 6 years old, at a summer day camp. One of the counselors forced me to get up in front of a big group of people to act out an animal. I don’t remember which animal but I do remember standing in front of the crowd and freezing up. I loved animals but didn’t have the slightest idea how to act it out – or desire to. The counselor, agitated, forced my head down and attempted, aggresively, to get me into position. I stood, hunched over, frozen and humiliated, unable to comply. Forcing me into it was more detrimental than helpful.
This is just one of many similar childhood memories. I was shy and learned through experience that when you put yourself out there, so to speak, you will be made fun of, criticized, or rejected. Not exactly key ingredients for a future of showing the world your real self, if ya know what I mean.
And, so, we learn through painful life experiences. At some point we become aware that if we don’t move through these experiences by facing our wounds and fears we will indeed stay stuck. The good news is we learn and grow and change step by step. That is why each ujjayi breath in yoga is so profound. It reflects the whole.
When it comes to opening the subtle, or metaphorical, heart center we can do so from the foundation or roots we are building, i.e., a sense of stability and security in the world. The heart area (the 4th chakra in the chakra system of Eastern Philosophy) reflects our relationships and, more specifically, our ability to give and receive in a balanced way. In order to connect genuinely with another, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel (and perhaps share) our emotions rather than hide or avoid them, which is often done through all sorts of unhealthy behaviors and addictions (but that’s another essay). If we open in a thoughtful or sequential way, we can receive the benefits of the posture and experience.
I, personally, need to feel something before I can begin to understand it and then, gradually, integrate it. I have struggled in my life with learning in more traditional ways and, so, I often emphasize ‘feeling’ words in my yoga classes and encourage students to breathe into the dedications or intentions they have set for the class – to feel rather than think about them.
When you are standing in a yoga pose, or simply standing in your daily life, notice the way the sturdy ground feels under your body. Notice, on a long exhalation, the feeling of relasing tension from your body. That tension may stem from a long-held attachment, but in this moment you only need to feel the sensation of letting go; often, attachments we hold onto block our ability to be vulnerable and connect authenticallhy with others. In my teachings, we are present with each movement, motion, and sensation, one breath at a time.
Strong Body, Strong Mind
My dad liked the phrase “Strong body, strong mind” because, although over-used, he believed in the wisdom of it. If you can feel steady in your body, there is a very good chance you will develop, over time, that trait or skill in your daily life.
When I was in my twenties, I had a habit of buying clothing and spontaneously scheduling beauty procedures, like unnceessarily highlighting my hair, when I felt down. I’d receive the high I was seeking from the impulse purchase but it didn’t last long and, oftentimes, I’d sink to a new low when I viewed the growing credit card bill or damage to my hair. Over time, as I practiced yoga, and rebalanced my nervous system and started to feel more “whole” and less fractured, the desire to spontaneously shop or sabotage my hair disappeared.
For me, the biggest block to allowing myself to be vulnerable, i.e., show my true self stripped of the fear and anxiety that forced me to close off and shut down my light and spirit (or the self with “perfect” hair) was in the 1st chakra of security and survival – in other words, I didn’t feel safe enough.
The Foundational Work – Who We Really Are
If you are a person who has felt unsteady or insecure in your life, one of the ways, I believe, to remedy this is by first feeling your foundation in each yoga posture. You start by noticing your feet in each posture and whatever else is touching the ground. You notice any tendencies you have that are not supporting your body, such as balancing on the edges of your feet or balling your fingers into tight fists (yep, I walked through life that way – without even realizing it).
Most of us, in our sedentary and increasingly virtual lifestyles are missing the body/feeling piece, meaning that we may need to experience things we’d like to work toward in our bodies before we can make the change we seek.
For example, first, you feel and breathe into the body parts that create the foundation of each pose. You get comfortable with feeling your body in this more structured way. Then, gradually, you take this sensation of stability off the mat and continue to build a firm foundation through, for example, healthy routines and consistency, showing up for yourself and sticking to your commitments.
Over time, through making the right choices (for you) in each moment you create a solid foundation to build life experiences on. You create stronger roots in this world by first making an authentic connection with yourself, through listening to your own needs, rather than bypassing them, consistent self-care and respecting your body with wholesome foods, healthy practices and boundaries. You provide yourself a sense of belonging by being present for yourself.
This feeling of rootedness and grounded-ness is what will eventually allow us to feel safe and self-assured enough to soften and open in the heart, that is to allow others to “see” us and have healthier and more fulfilling connections – that vulnerability thing – but, first, we need to do the foundational work before we can truly connect with others.
In Eastern philosophy, each chakra depends on the one below and above it. If one is out of whack, the whole system will be off balance. And, so, we start with our roots. As we build a sense of security and belonging in this world, we get comfortable enough to show others, and ourselves, who we really are.
