What is Self-Compassion, Anyway?
Does the term self-compassion make you squirm?
If so, you’re not alone.
I admit, when I hear “self-compassion” I catch myself cringing a little. Not because I don’t think it’s an important practice and aspect of our wellbeing but because, I suppose, of my own inner resistance to it.
Maybe, also, because when we don’t fully understand something, we hear a cliche rather than its true meaning.
Let’s begin with the meaning.
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, the self-compassion guru, the word compassion, derived from Latin, refers to how we’re with (com) suffering (passion).
So, self compassion is ultimately about how we relate to or connect with suffering – in others and in ourselves.
When it comes to animals and children, my compassion burns fiercely. Few things affect me more deeply than the suffering of those who are innocent and vulnerable.
While I feel especially protective of animals and children, I am deeply compassionate toward anyone who is suffering, particularly those impacted by trauma and addiction.
Why, then, do so many of us struggle with the “self” part of self-compassion?
Why We Resist Self-Compassion
On her website, The Self Compassion Institute, Dr. Neff breaks down common myths about self-compassion, i.e., reasons we may have trouble connecting to compassion for ourselves.
First, we may think of self-compassion as undermining our productivity or motivation, i.e., that we need to be tough on ourselves to perform well or thrive.
On the contrary, research shows that self compassion supports us while criticism often holds us back. A supportive mindset enables us to grow from mistakes and pick ourselves up after failures while a critical mindset keeps us down, so to speak (Neff).
The second misconception Neff points out is that we may think self-compassion is an “easy out” or lets us off the hook for wrongdoings or mistakes.
Research shows, however, that when we extend compassion to ourselves instead of harsh words, blame, or shame, we’re more likely to take responsibility for our actions and attempt to remedy them if we can.
Another misguided idea of self-compassion is that it boils down to feeling sorry for ourselves (i.e., a pity party).
But self-compassion is about re-framing and broadening our perspective, not narrowing it.
Research shows that self-compassion actually takes the focus off “me” and shifts it to the collective (the shared human experience), therefore enhancing our feeling of connection with others. And in this state of being, we’re more likely to support and serve others (Neff).
A few more self-compassion myths Neff shares are that it’s indulgent, selfish, or will somehow make us weak or soft. But these ideas are unfounded: research supports the opposite.
Self-Compassion Vs. Self-Esteem
Another important distinction Neff makes in her work is that self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem; she points out that people often confuse or conflate the two.
While self-esteem is often associated with external indicators, such as our worldly success or image and, therefore, comparison with others, self-compassion rests on our shared humanity and is a more stable indicator of self-worth over time (Neff).
Neff encourages us to think about a time when a friend or someone close to us was suffering or struggling and we “felt” for them.
Let’s take a moment to conjure that scenario.
If what we felt was more in the realm of pity, or even judgement, that would not qualify as compassion.
But when we respond to another who is suffering with “warmth, understanding, and kindness” (Neff), in other words when we respond from an open-hearted and empathetic or accepting place, that indeed is compassion.
The practice, then, is learning to turn that open-hearted acceptance inward and offer ourselves the same kindness we might extend to others in need.
Three Elements of Self-Compassion
On her website, Neff shares three elements of self-compassion: Mindfulness, Common Humanity, and Kindness.
In order for us to recognize someone’s suffering, Neff explains, we need to first understand that suffering or struggling is part of our shared human experience.
That is to say, we all have flaws and imperfections and none of us will leave this earth without some amount of suffering.
And it’s important to recognize that although no one wants to suffer, suffering is often what allows us to grow and evolve.
When I catch myself criticizing or judging myself for past actions or perceived mistakes, it can be challenging to transform those harsh feelings into something softer.
So I try to focus on the part of me that didn’t know what I know now.
It can also be helpful to imagine the child version of ourselves: innocent and open-hearted and deserving of compassion and kindness.
Let’s take a deeper dive into each of the three elements of self-compassion.
Mindfulness As the Foundation for Self-Compassion
Neff shares that mindfulness is the foundation of self-compassion.
One definition of Mindfulness by holistic physician and mindfulness teacher, Amy Saltzman, is “Paying attention to your life, here and now, with kindness and curiosity.”
To say it a different way, it simply means focusing our attention on the present moment of life (not the past, not the future) through a non-judgmental lens.
So, first, we need to bring in some awareness around our pain or suffering and our response to it.
Are we berating ourselves for our perceived failings or struggles?
Are we intensifying our struggles by exaggerating or adding negativity to them?
Are we avoiding or suppressing our emotions?
A mindful approach involves, first and foremost, acceptance of what we’re feeling.
Oftentimes, suffering is increased by our rejection of it, meaning we don’t think we should be feeling this way, so we try to push it away.
Neff shares that when we become more aware of our internal processes, we can work on taking a more balanced approach to our struggles or suffering, “so that we neither suppress or exaggerate” them.
Mindfulness, Neff clarifies, “allows us to turn toward our pain with acceptance of the present moment reality. And it prevents us from becoming ‘over-identified’ with difficult thoughts and feelings, so we aren’t swept away by negative reactivity.”
To sum up, Mindfulness is the starting point of self-compassion in that it enables us to become in tune to how we’re responding to ourselves and then it helps us create balance.
Common Humanity Versus Isolation
Compassion, at the heart of it, has a lot to do with connection.
One of the most healing aspects of the 12-step programs and other mindful or spiritual programs like it, is connection: the realization that we are not alone in our mistakes and suffering.
This realization is especially poignant in the 12-step programs because many of us learned to bury our reality and pain and, as a result, experienced shame around experiences and feelings that we learned were “bad.”
Shame feels like the opposite of self-compassion.
Shame is hiding ourselves and allowing negative feelings to fester while self-compassion is accepting and giving expression to feelings.
Neff states that “the very definition of being ‘human’ means being vulnerable, flawed and imperfect. When we are self-compassionate, we recognize that our suffering connects us rather than separates us from others.”
So many of us were taught to turn away from our feelings, that it was indulgent to tend to or express our needs or wounds, so we buried them.
An important step in self-compassion is being honest with ourselves and coaxing our wounds out of hiding.
When I was a child I fell off a stone wall. Fortunately, I landed on grass but it was a steep enough drop that I received a jolt and, more than anything, I was probably frightened and in a bit of shock.
I ran to my mother and aunt for comfort and, instead of comfort or support, received criticism.
They warned me about showing too much emotion and compared me to a family friend who was known to be dramatic. At home, my mother’s favorite admonishment was “Don’t be a Sarah Bernhardt,” a late 19th century actress from France known for her “drama.”
What I learned from this type of feedback was that it wasn’t safe or acceptable to express emotion.
I learned to hold in emotions and detach from what I felt.
The problem with holding in emotion is we build resentment and inner turmoil.
So we need to first re-learn how to connect with what we feel in order to find compassion for ourselves and others. Because when we’re numb, it is impossible to feel compassion.
One way to reconnect to what we feel is a mind-body connection practice, such as Yoga or Qigong, or any type of mindful movement that brings us into the present moment.
When we move our bodies with focused attention, when we feel each breath and each movement and how the two connect, we begin, slowly but surely, to feel things again – sensations and feelings in the body and eventually our emotions.
Kindness Matters
Kindness, like self-compassion, might be a word we overlook but it’s indeed essential to thriving.
Kindness, Neff teaches, involves not berating ourselves when we struggle, fail, or make a mistake but, instead, practicing acceptance, patience, or encouragement toward ourselves, the way we might to a friend or child.
Neff assures us that the “inner support” that comes from kindness “allows us to feel safe and puts us in a better frame of mind to cope with challenges or make needed changes in our lives.”
Did you ever notice that people who criticize or berate others the most are also very critical of themselves? The two go hand in hand.
In a nutshell, the kinder we are to ourselves the kinder we will be to others, and the more compassion we will generate in the world.
How Self-Compassion Changes What We Tolerate
Finally we arrive at boundary-setting.
Once we learn how to be compassionate with ourselves we naturally start to take better care of ourselves. And from there, we can begin the process of setting healthy boundaries.
If something repeatedly drains our energy, for example, it’s worth reconsidering and coming up with a plan to set a boundary that protects our wellbeing.
Recently, I’ve hit a metaphorical wall when it comes to situations that don’t feel supportive or good.
I’ve noticed, though, that I feel guilty about declining invitations or saying no to someone who doesn’t seem to be aware of boundaries. But it also occurs to me that this urge to say “no” is coming from a healthy place.
So let’s be easy with ourselves as we learn how to set boundaries, understanding that it is not always a straightforward process.
As we develop self-compassion, it makes sense that we will be less tolerant of those who don’t show us compassion and respect, those who don’t fully value or accept us.
Sometimes setting boundaries involves making difficult decisions and enduring some discomfort, especially when we have a history of people-pleasing.
We, of course, want to practice compassion and kindness as best we can when we set boundaries, understanding that generally speaking no one is attempting to hurt or undermine us, and that certain dynamics are deeply rooted and habitual.
That said, if something doesn’t feel right it’s time to shower ourselves with compassion, set the boundary, and move on as gracefully as we can. Others may not understand and that’s okay.
On that note, I’ll leave us with some ways, by Dr. Kristin Neff, to grow our self- compassion skills:
- 1. Stop being so hard on yourself
- 2. Handle difficult emotions with greater ease
- 3. Stand up for yourself and validate your needs
- 4. Motivate yourself with encouragement rather than criticism
- 5. Care for others and contribute to the world without burning out