That Vulnerability Thing
For most of my life, and especially when I was young, I struggled with debilitating fears of speaking in front of people, even to a very small group.
I was fearful of being seen and heard and, mostly, of messing up, so I withdrew and made myself invisible.
Teaching classes, for this reason, has been a journey for me; one of allowing myself to experience extreme discomfort and eventually conquering some of my biggest fears.
I’ve been working on this vulnerability thing for a long time.
In certain situations, I have broken through and enjoyed the fruits of the work and progress and yet, in other scenarios I return to an older, frightened and frozen version of myself.
Perhaps there are certain themes we work on for an entire lifetime.
Vulnerability is described in Merriam Webster’s dictionary as “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.”
It seems pretty clear then why we would want to avoid this state of being.
Just Be Yourself
When I was younger, I could never quite crack the code on the phrase Just be yourself.
In other words, let go of your defenses and allow others to truly see you.
Ya know, that simple, not-scary-at-all thing … being vulnerable?
And, by the way, have strong enough boundaries that how others respond to “the real you” doesn’t have any sway over you.
Good luck with that, right?
The reason why these concepts can sometimes feel impossible is because they don’t start in the mind: they start in the body.
So, when someone offers the sound advice to “just be yourself,” it means they see you for who you are and want others to see that side of you, too. It’s a compliment really.
But, because the anxiety or fear has already launched in the body we can’t simply turn it off with words or a concept.
The good news: we don’t need to think about it first. In fact, it is generally more helpful to start by not thinking and, instead, feeling.
Creating Change Through the Body
Let’s start with our foundation.
Start to notice what is making contact with the ground. This could be in a yoga posture or, simply, in everyday life.
Are your feet carrying weight evenly? Are your toes clenched?
When we bring attention to our foundation, we begin to notice any tendencies that might not support our body, such as balancing on the edges of our feet (yep, I stood that way for a long time – without even realizing it).
Next we can determine if there are any adjustments that need to be made, so that we feel more supported, like not putting all my weight on my outer feet. Ouch.
Next we can breathe slowly and steadily in through the nose, directing our attention to what is touching the ground.
A tip: If breathing through the nose is uncomfortable at first, start slowly, exploring each breath; we might try inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.
Some of us have learned to be in an activated state, and breathing in and out through the nose can make us feel unsafe because we are not accustomed to being in the parasympathetic nervous system; that is, to letting our guard down.
If this is the case, we can start with a breathing pattern that feels supportive and work toward what is called, in yoga, the Ujjayi Breath: a slow, steady, and deeper breath in and out through the nose.
Experiences That Close the Heart
A painful childhood memory: I was around 4 or 5 years old, at a summer day camp. One of the counselors forced me up in front of a big group of kids and counselors to act out an animal.
I don’t remember why (maybe we were playing charades) or which animal it was, but I do remember the horror of standing in front of a big crowd and freezing up.
I loved animals but didn’t have the slightest idea how to act one out, or desire to; I was a shy child.
The counselor, agitated, persisted and shoved my head and upper body down in an attempt to get me into position.
I stood, hunched over, humiliated and unable to comply. I didn’t know what she wanted me to do.
I learned, over time, through experiences like this one, that when you “put yourself out there” or when being observed by others, you will likely face criticism, be made fun of or rejected.
Yikes. Not exactly key ingredients for a future of showing the world your real self, if you know what I mean.
And, so, we learn through painful life experiences.
And at some point we become aware that if we don’t move through these experiences by facing our wounds and fears, we will indeed stay stuck and stagnant.
The good news is we grow and progress with each attempt, no matter how messy or imperfect.
Teaching classes was a bumpy ride for me that sometimes felt like one step forward and two steps back, but what I eventually gained was my confidence and freedom from a deep-rooted fear.
There’s a sense of expansion and liberation that comes when we meet our fears head on and allow ourselves to be vulnerable – even when we know we are risking being hurt again.
It’s scary, yes, but leads to being more open in the world and relatable (“yourself”) because we are no longer attempting to hide the frightened and wounded parts of ourselves.
We take our power back.
The Heart Chakra & Vulnerability
In the “subtle body” practice of yoga, the words “unstuck” or “unstruck” define the 4th chakra, the heart area.
This refers to a time when we were very young and unstruck by loss and pain, and all the worldly things that cause us to close down in this part of the body and lead to us becoming stuck or going into hiding.
When it comes to opening the heart center we can do so, first, from the foundation we are building, i.e., a sense of stability and security.
That foundation we “build” in our body, when we bring awareness to what is touching the ground and breathe into it, eventually translates to our life.
The 4th chakra or Anahata, in Eastern Philosophy, reflects our ability to open our hearts, to be vulnerable or relatable.
It governs our relationships and, more specifically, our ability to give and receive in a balanced way.
In order to connect genuinely with another, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to feel (and share) our emotions rather than hide or avoid them.
In Eastern philosophy, each chakra depends on the one below it and affects the one above it.
If one chakra is out of whack, the whole system will be off balance.
And, so, we start with our foundation and work our way up through the 2nd and 3rd chakras: emotions/needs and confidence/willpower, respectively.
As we build a sense of security and belonging in this world, we get comfortable enough to connect to our emotions in a healthy way, and to show others who we really are.
Three Ways to Practice Being Vulnerable
- Start Small & Stay Present
Vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean sharing our deepest truth. In fact, it’s better to start small. We can begin by expressing a preference or idea, or sharing something interesting or relatable about ourselves.
Notice what happens in your body when you do this. Can you stay with the sensation by breathing into it?
- Anchor Into the Body
When fear arises, we return to our foundation.
Feel your feet on the ground. Connect to your breath.
Walk, if you can, to release energy or tension.
The body can hold what the mind perceives as “too much.”
Instead of trying to think our way through fear, we can allow our body to support us through it. Over time, this builds a felt sense of safety.
- Redefine What “Safe” Means
Being vulnerable does not guarantee that others will respond in the way we hope.
True safety is not found in controlling the experience or outcome; it’s in trusting ourselves to handle what arises.
When we begin to trust our own capacity to feel, process, and recover, and as our mind-body becomes accustomed to this new way of being in the world, vulnerability becomes less about risk and more about freedom. And we realize there is nothing to fear.
Granted, this is a practice and because our brains are often accustomed to being in a protective mode it won’t happen overnight. This is where patience and self-compassion come in.
Journal Prompts for Vulnerability & Change
- Where in my life am I holding back from being seen or heard?
- What early experiences may have taught me that it wasn’t safe to be fully myself?
- How do those experiences still show up in my body today? Can I breathe into these places, support them and give them space?
- When do I feel most open, relaxed, and like “myself”? What conditions support that feeling?
- What is one small way I can practice vulnerability this week?
- What would change if I trusted that I could handle discomfort, rejection, or uncertainty?
Closing:
Vulnerability is a practice.
A willingness to meet ourselves, again and again, at the edge of discomfort and possibility.
When we anchor into the body, to build a sense of safety from the ground up, we create the conditions for real change, not forced or performative, but felt and embodied.
And from that place, being “ourselves” is no longer an abstract or confusing term but something that naturally unfolds.
We likely will still feel fear and we may still remember the moments that taught us to hide, but we are no longer ruled by them.
Instead, we move forward and through experiences with courage and an open heart.
Because we deserve to be heard and seen.
